To all site visitors wishing to book their summer holiday I should explain that as owner & webmaster of this web site, I have suspended operations and wish to offer the following as an explanation together with some apologies to friends and loved ones.

With no apologies for the length of this page, this is the story of how through stupidity and neglect, I lost the love of Barbara Vaccarella who has held my heart and soul for over 6 years.

Preface

I have just returned to the empty flat above the chip shop after watching a reasonably boring film at my sisters' house. There was however one scene that stood out, a leading character was given an empty note book and was told that she should enter things that are important to her, not phone numbers or “to do” reminders but personal thoughts that were important at the time and which she would want to remember.

Well this is a variation on that theme which will mainly serve the purpose of filling in time and hopefully when the final entry has been made will bring understanding to those who care about me (and I don’t mean “care” in the way Barbara uses it – “I care about you but never want to see you or talk to you again”) to show those who truly care that the decision to take my own life was reached rationally, given the circumstances.

The Start of the Love Affair

For the past 6 years I have been very much in love with a certain Barbara Vaccarella, we met in Sicily, she lived and worked in Greece but was home visiting her parents for Christmas. I lived in Swansea but was on a long vacation in Italy. We shared such a short time together in Sicily but it was enough for her to invite me to Athens for a visit. We spent 2 glorious weeks together that January and I immediately knew that she was the only girl for me. By the February I had packed my car with a few personal belongings and was moving to Greece, leaving behind my family, friends, my ex wife (a big bonus) and my 2 boys (a very tough decision indeed).

The first 2 years together were spent in Athens (halcyon days) we were very much in love and without a care in the world, we took everything in our stride. Money was a little tight but we were happy and we had some good friends. (Cristos K – if you ever read this, I include you even though you eventually turned out to be a lazy, lying, backstabbing dick head)

The next 4 years were spent on the island of Sifnos. Initially everything was great, we were both in full time employment so able to save a little money, we made new friends and old friends visited from Athens. After about 2 years things started to change, I began to feel suffocated by this little island. I wanted more, I wanted more for us. I felt we were working too many hours with not much to show for it. I wanted to marry this girl, I wanted us to have our own home, I wanted us to start a family together and this was going to be almost impossible on Sifnos continuing the way we were.

The only way I saw of achieving these goals was to find other ways of making the extra money that would be needed – so I worked, I worked 9 hours a day for my salary then came home and worked some more, sometimes until 4 am. After 2 years of working this way I was beginning to get somewhere, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, plans were talked about and actively pursued – we were getting somewhere…. I thought!

The Beginning of the End

On February 15 2006 came the bombshell. The girl that has given my life purpose for 6 years, who has been the focus of all my dreams and aspirations, the girl that I love more than anything in the world – wants to break up – and the reason she gives…. she believes I don’t love her anymore.

I’ll be honest and say that I didn’t handle the situation very well. I said and did some very dumb things which I’m ashamed of and have since apologised for. After the initial shock I eventually came to my senses; I love this girl and would not surrender this love so easily.

To cut a long story short, over the next couple of weeks I was able to convince her about how I felt; she admitted that she believed that I truly loved her.

I also convinced her that I understood why she thought I didn’t love her:
For 2 years I had focused on work, working for our future, but during that time I forgot to live for the moment, forgot to take the time to enjoy being in love, forgot to show my love to the very person that meant so much to me.

With her understanding I thought OK, we can work this out. There was however a twist; due to the 2 years of neglect she says she doesn’t love me anymore and is frightened that even if we try to make things work and succeed, eventually the “bad old days” would return.

I tried to convince her she was wrong, I loved her too much to make such a stupid mistake again but how can you fight someone’s fear? I didn't know how and she didn’t want to. I was fighting a losing battle and didn’t know what to do next, my world was falling apart.

For 2 months I worked alongside Barbara, tormented by the actuality that despite the fact that she knows I love her, this person who “cares” for me doesn’t want to talk to me or be in my company. Each time I’d look up from my desk and see her smile, it was torture; every time I heard her laugh, would be another knife in my heart. For the sake of my own sanity I had to get away and find some space.

On April 16 I left Sifnos, without a doubt, the worse day in my life for more reasons than one.

Before leaving Sifnos I make a present of the following to Barbara

Barbara, our dreams could have come true, if only you had the heart to reach for them.
Dreams that may seem impossible at first start to become just improbable,
and then, with heart and conviction they soon become inevitable.
A beautiful life and a happy heart belong to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

I asked for your forgiveness and the chance to prove that I could make you happy.
I know you can never change the past but with understanding and true forgiveness,
you can certainly change the future.

Because you could not forgive, you have broken the bridge over which one day you will need to pass, everyone has the need to be forgiven, when your time comes, I hope you will not suffer like I do now.
Life is an adventure in forgiveness, the giving and the receiving of love.

I told you "I had lost" and you said "it was not a matter of winning and losing", but love is a battle,
a war, love means growing together, it is all we have, the only way that we can help each other.
Wherever there is true love, there are only winners and dreams - and so the circle turns.

I arrived back in Wales on April 24 and every day since leaving Sifnos I have regretted the decision to leave – not a day passes that I don’t think about Barbara, I’m surrounded by things that remind me of the times we spent together (happy times I thought). I want to send her sms messages, emails and phone her every day just to hear her voice and let her know how much I miss her – but this is not what she wants – I love her, so here I am lost in my own oblivion, checking my mobile every hour for messages from Barbara and logging on to the internet at every opportunity in case she sends an email.


We now arrive at that film so this is my blog/diary/journal call it what you will.

Friday 05 May 2006. Time of writing: 02:15 Sat.

After almost 2 weeks of staying in bed or watching crap on TV, I decide to venture out and change my Euros into Sterling. A pivotal decision, should I change them all? I decide to only change enough to get by – who knows, Barbara might call and ask me to come back to Greece, so I’ll need the Euros.

Standing in line at Thomas Cook to change the cash, I look at the so called travel agents – Barbara knows more about making travel arrangements than all of these glorified cash collectors put together!

On the way home I stop to buy a new pair of trainers, unfortunately passing by TKMaxx where Barbara would spend hours searching for bargains every time we came to Swansea.

Back home now and in front of the TV again. Another stupid house make-over, but oh look – they’ve bought a picture frame exactly the same as Barbara and I bought from IKEA!

Staying with my sister is fine, no questions, no pressure but no help – I can’t talk to her. I decide to go and visit my friend Mary in Ireland (perhaps she has some advice on how I can win back Barbara). So tickets are booked for the ferry leaving on Sunday.

Saturday 06 May 2006. Time of writing: 03:45 Sun.

Get up at 14:00 and “breakfast” at Laura’s. The Italian TV she watches is showing an interview outside Milan cathedral…. When Barbara and I was there in January there was construction work going on but it looks to have been completed now.

I decide to get stuff ready for my motorcycle trip to Ireland, I left my helmet and leathers on Sifnos (I wonder who has them now?)

A phone call this evening, in fact 2 calls, the first from my good friend Giorgos asking after my well being, the second is from my beloved Barbara – not so interested in my well being, more interested in getting rid of any possible problems that might arise from the fact that my mobile phone is in her name. There’s coldness and indifference in what she says which I can’t understand, she’s always been so gentle and thoughtful. Is it possible for someone to change so dramatically and so soon?

Sitting alone above the chip shop I watch a movie on my laptop “A Beautiful Mind” the true life story of Nobel Prize winner John Nash. I’m touched my the way Alicia Nash sticks by her husband during the worse of his violent schizophrenic episodes and am jealous of the fact that he has someone that loves & believes in him enough to stick with him come what may. However, I must disagree with the statement he made during his Nobel acceptance speech:
“It is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found”.
There is no logic to love, how can one be in love one moment and out of love the next? How can someone who once loved, turn cold and heartless for no apartment reason except fear, not fear of violence or abuse but fear of the conceptual?

He went on to say that his wife is the reason he is, she is all his reasons. This may well be true but I think he is also a very lucky man to have found a woman with the heart and courage to believe in her man during the bad times as well as the good. Not everyone is so lucky.

I eventually try to get some sleep but am kept awake by replays of the earlier telephone conversation with Barbara.

Sunday 07 May 2006. Time of writing: 12:30 Tues.

OK, I set off for Ireland a little after 10am travelling up through mid Wales, the weather is fine, traffic is light and it looks like I’m going to enjoy the ride. All goes well until I stop for petrol about half way and the bike won’t start. I’m in the middle of nowhere on a Sunday afternoon with a bike that doesn’t want to know. I ask drivers who call into the garage if they have jump leads, after about an hour I get lucky and am given a jump start by a very helpful farmer.

I’ve lost a lot of time now and must try to make up lost ground (no more breaks for a smoke). All is in vain and I arrive too late for the 15:00 ferry, the next is at 3am. I’m a bit pissed off especially as this nice new terminal building at Holyhead doesn’t even have a coffee shop, just a machine which is out of order!

I walk into the town and end up staying in a pub for 4 hours, while there, the Bon Jovi video of “I’ll be there for you” comes on the TV and I’m reminded of the CD I compiled for Barbara. While the video itself is not exactly representative, the lyrics couldn’t describe how I feel about her more perfectly.

I return to the terminal building and manage to sleep for an hour.

Monday 08 May 2006. Time of writing: 12:30 Tues.

After a long and boring wait we set sail and arrive in Dublin at 6am. Mary is at the port to meet me and I follow her back to the house and immediately go to sleep for a couple of hours.

Over the past couple of years Mary and I have had many conversations that we’ve decided were best continued over a bottle of wine! This night however, I tell her all about the break up with Barbara. I explain all the reasons as I understood them and tell her about how much I love her and miss her every day. Mary thinks that the relationship has run its course but if there is going to be any chance getting back together; Barbara must have space and perhaps with time to think she will grow to miss me. In the meantime I should find something to do and occupy myself.

Mary is in a sort of similar situation as myself (or rather Barbara), for the past 5 years she has been in the process of going through a messy divorce and while she has had many periods of doubt concerning the future, she has always had her own business and her children to consider which obviously gives her the strength and purpose to carry on.

I try to explain to Mary that I don’t have the same or any such reasons to motivate me into making a “fresh start”. Having spent so much time and effort trying to provide a financial "comfort zone" from which Barbara and I could start making serious plans for our future, then to find out it’s all pointless just makes me feel worthless. I've been made to feel that the last 6 years were pointless; my love for Barbara, worthless; I opened up my heart, gave everything and it was all worthless... Make a fresh start - with what, for what?

Tuesday 09 May 2006. Time of writing: 14:30 Wed.

After a bit of a late night I wake up around midday to my usual breakfast of a bucket of coffee and 2 Marlboro. Later in the day a game of golf is planned with Mary’s “friend” Leo but before that Mary and I go over the pub for a late lunch and a drink (which turned into a few). The conversation of last night is continued with Mary trying to think of things I could do to get me over this dark period – In truth, I was hoping that visiting Mary would give me some answers, and perhaps an insight to the way Barbara’s mind is working. It’s not exactly working out that way; instead I’m getting lessons on how I should be thinking about myself. If I only had 5% of Mary’s self belief and drive, I might be thinking very differently but I don’t, there’s no escape from my feeling worthless and totally drained.

Leo arrives and we head off for a game of golf accompanied by Mary’s youngest, James who’s 6 years old. The golf course turns out to be 18 holes of pitch and putt, not what I envisioned but OK considering I hadn’t played for so long.

That evening some of Mary’s friends come round and we all end up having a Thai take away washed down with liberal helpings of Guinness and red wine (not in the same glass). I get so ratted that I don’t even remember going to bed for the best nights sleep I’ve had in a long time.

Wednesday 10 May 2006. Time of writing: 14:00 Fri.

The day is started very gingerly at about 1pm – I’m suffering a bit following last night’s excessive alcohol intake! It’s another nice day with the sun shining, as it has been since I arrived. The day is spent around the house with not much at being said or done. I check my emails, nothing from Barbara but that’s only to be expected.

Mary’s other 2 children, Brona and Conner, take me a little my surprise by asking about Barbara and why we broke up!! Not wanting to get into it with them I just say “I don’t know”, which in all honesty is not a lie, this does the trick and the subject soon gets changed.

Thursday 11 May 2006. Time of writing: 14:00 Fri.

Today Mary has her settlement meeting in the city so I meet up with “Little Mary” for lunch. It has been 5 years since we’ve spoken to each other, we decide to start a mini pub crawl and catch up on what’s been happening over the years. It doesn’t take long to tell her about what I’ve been doing since I left the Zeus II and about the mess I’ve made of my life in the last couple of months, she tells me about her marriage to Mick and about the time she spent working in New York. She also tells me about the time that she and Mick split up and didn’t speak to each other for 3 months before getting back together. The story does give me a little encouragement but I cant help feeling that happy endings only happen to other people.

Tall Mary gets in touch just before 5pm and says she has finally reached a settlement and a date has been set next month to finalise her divorce. She’s chuffed and it’s time to party. We meet up with her parents, her brother John plus his wife in the Goblet Pub. (the same pub that Barbara and I went to on our first visit here 3 years ago) Not much has changed except for the no smoking policy in all public places which is a real pain in the arse and is a good enough reason on its own to go back to Greece.

Lots more alcohol is downed and at 1am we get kicked out of the pub and head back to John’s house. John’s wife and I get into a heavy discussion about what a crap father I am to my boys. It’s a bit of a one sided argument because she’s a mother and a woman’s woman, whatever I say, said, do or have done is wrong in her eyes… I end up crashing out on the sofa for what’s left of the night.

Friday 12 May 2006. Time of writing: 12:30 Sat.

Another lazy day today, not suffering as much as Wednesday although it’s close!

Mary meets up with her guy for lunch to basically give him some bad news. It’s another long story but in short he loves her and sees marriage as a natural progression of their relationship. She however has described him as a “saint” and a “good friend” but because of her previous bad experience, marriage is just not a road that she can go down again, she feels the need to put him straight.

Fear once again rears its ugly head.
Barbara fears that I would return to complacency.
I have learned a lesson and love her too much to do this.

Mary wants companionship but fears having her individuality compromised.

Relationships are difficult at the best of times, it’s never easy, there has to be give and take with a lot of understanding. So why in hells name must people bring in fears of the unknown? fears that past experiences may be repeated or bring pre conceived fears into the equation to make things more difficult?

Saturday 13 May 2006. Time of writing: a.m. Mon.

Not much happens in the morning but by lunch I discover a problem with my Greek mobile phone… it appears that Barbara may have cancelled my contract.

I’m trying very hard to give her space, not to bother or hassle her because it always makes me feel bad and I don’t want to upset her but I end up calling her to find out what the situation is with the mobile. It transpires that she has cancelled it despite me telling her that I would like to keep it. The reason for cancelling it is because she thinks that I would run up a big bill and try to make her liable for it – which translates to – she doesn’t trust me.

This just adds to my confusion, she knows I still love her so why should she think I would do something to deliberately hurt her. OK, I did some dumb stuff when she first told me she wanted to break up but I was not myself, none of it was deliberate, I apologised and paid for the damage with interest! Will she ever believe that I would do anything she asked of me if it was within my power to do so?

A dark cloud comes over me, I become very depressed, it hurts me that she sounds so heartless on the phone, cancelling the contact to get rid of any possible future contact between us would also hurt but would be more understandable than a lack of trust.

They say it’s a thin line between love and hate, has Barbara crossed this line? I don’t want to believe she has but everything she says and does appears so cold and uncaring. This is not the Barbara I have loved for 6 years.

My depression is all too obvious to Mary and Leo, we start the evening chatting over a glass of wine and continue talking until after 5am. Possible explanations are suggested together with very well intentioned advice, some of which I had previously considered myself and some that I had heard many times before. If only I could make them understand how utterly desolate and despondent I feel then perhaps they and everyone else who says “You must do this” or “You must do that” will realise that I’m powerless to do anything. Barbara has been the sole reason for everything I’ve done over the last 6 years and now without her anything I might consider doing just seems totally pointless!

Sunday 14 May 2006. Time of writing: a.m. Mon.

After not much sleep but not feeling too groggy, we all head off to church and Conor’s first Holy Communion. What should have been a grand day was spoiled at the start with Conor’s dad behaving like a right dick head in church, having a tantrum and upsetting both Mary and Conor.

I can’t remember the last time I was inside a catholic church and I felt like a big hypocrite. I was sitting there thinking, if there is a God, why doesn’t he help me get back together with Barbara? Of course I have no right to ask such a question as I gave up believing in a God a long time ago and even if there was a God, I’m already damned for trying to take my own life 2 months ago and damned for the continued thoughts on how to do a better job next time!

Later that afternoon there is a big family party back at the house and everybody is having a nice time. There are 14 kids running around and I can’t help thinking that Barbara would be in her element, she so loves kids and they love her. My dark cloud starts to form above me once again with the realisation that any dreams I had of having my own children with Barbara will never happen. How could I have screwed things up so much without knowing it?

Monday 15 May 2006. Time of writing: 02:00 Tues.

Today starts with an early rise at 5am for my return journey to Swansea and an uneventful ferry crossing from Roslare to Pembroke, (with time to catch up on this journal).

My stay with Mary and her family has not provided any answers but a kind of plan has been agreed.

• I’m to give Barbara space to see if there’s any truth in the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder!

• As much as I love my sister Laura, I can’t stay in Wales, so I’m off to stay with my mother in Sicily – hopefully some sun will brighten my disposition.

• While in Sicily I must find a part time job and learn to speak Greek!! (The suggestion of both Mary & Leo and not something I can see myself summoning up the enthusiasm to do as my depression wont allow me to fully believe that any of this plan will work)

• In September I return to Sifnos to find out if I have a future, if there is any prospect that Barbara’s feelings have changed.

I arrive back at my sisters’ house at 3 in the afternoon.

Wednesday 17 May 2006. Time of writing: 02:00 Thurs.

Today I booked my flight tickets to Sicily; I leave Wales on June 01. – Still not sure if it’s the right thing to do but it’s done now.

Watched some stupid drama on TV this evening, part of the storyline was where a couple had split up because he had been having an affair! Then at one point they are together and he tells her he wants to come back and says that he will “try” to be a better husband. She immediately takes him back just like that. I know that this is only TV but I’m sure there are similar scenarios everyday in real life. I can’t help feeling jealous and thinking that this or any guy in his position is a lucky bastard to have someone who loves him enough to forgive such an indiscretion.

Saturday 20 May 2006. Time of writing: 23:00.

Not much has been going on in recent days but today I had a chat with my 21 year old nephew. We started out talking about his relationship with his girlfriend and for what it was worth, I was giving him the benefit of my experiences!! The topic eventually gets around to my current situation and he asks what my plans are for the future. I end up telling him about my going to Italy and back to Sifnos in September to find out if Barbara has missed me and if there is any chance for us. He then asks what happens if she doesn’t what to know about a reconciliation? I can’t answer him. I can’t tell this good kid that deep in my heart I know that Barbara is committed to her decision and that I will probably not even bother to go to Greece in September. I just say “I don’t know” and this solicits recommendations that I should have a “back up plan” which, like so much advice I’m receiving these days, is correct. The problem is my consciousness is torn between believing that Barbara and I are meant to be together and the fact that any future that doesn’t include Barbara is not worth considering.

Thursday 25 May 2006. Time of writing: 01:30 Fri.

The last couple of days have been particularly bad and last night I was awake all night just thinking about Barbara. I’m missing her desperately and would give anything just to hear her voice say something with warmth and feeling.

I know I was resolved to give her space but today I gave into temptation and sent her an email – nothing heavy, just asking how she is and telling her that I still love her and if she ever feels that she wants to talk, I’m here for her.

I only hope she doesn’t grow to despise me or think I’m just being pathetic.

Wednesday 31 May 2006. Time of writing: 03:13 Thur.

Today I leave for the airport; my flight is at 6a.m. tomorrow morning. There has been no reply to my email from Barbara. There are a couple of excuses for this I could think of but the most obvious is that she doesn’t want any contact whatsoever!

As you might have noticed, there have been a few gaps in this journal, well what can I tell you, the gaps are pretty much synonymous with how I’ve been feeling this last couple of weeks, one big void after another, a series of finding crap to do just to fill in the days, mostly sleeping, watching TV, coping DVD’s, coping music, cleaning up the filing on this laptop, all a bit pointless but it fills the day in the absence of the enthusiasm to do anything constructive or productive.

What else can I tell you about my 5 week stay in Swansea? (minus 1 week in Ireland). During this time I went into town 3 times and my other sisters house twice. The rest of the time was spent either in bed or in isolation at Laura’s house. (I’ve had no desire to meet anyone, get into “polite conversation” or answer questions) I’m not complaining about the isolation and it might sound strange to use the term considering I’ve been living with Laura, her husband and 4 practically grown up kids. As an outsider looking in I see six people who certainly love each other, living in one house and leading separate lives, Laura and Mariano work so very hard and will admit that “time” is their most precious commodity. I love all you guys very much but please make more effort to find some "quality family time" to enjoy what you have now.

Before arriving in Wales there was a period that the only way to get a decent nights sleep was to have a couple of drinks. I eventually realised this was not the answer and stopped when it reached the stage where I was drinking 3 bottles of gin a week. My liver might be saying thank you but now I lie awake every night thinking of Barbara. Half the time thinking about the good times we spent together, the other half asking how she could make me suffer this way? She’s the best thing to ever happen to me and all I ever wanted was to make her happy.

Thursday 01 June 2006. Time of writing: 16:00.

After leaving the rain of Swansea behind I arrive in Sicily to be greeted by the rain of Palermo. A 6 hour train journey will see me arrive at my destination – my mothers’ house in Siracusa.

It has been a long and lonely journey and I have very mixed feelings about coming back to Sicily, it was here in late December 1999 that I found true love with Barbara, a love that I thought would last forever, a love that is now causing me unbearable heartache. I have so much to thank her for, she has brought me so much happiness over the past 6 years but there are times, usually when I lie awake at night and my thoughts explore the dark recesses of my mind, that I find myself hating her for giving up on us, for putting me through this torment, when my only crime was not showing her how much I loved her.

Friday 02 June 2006. Time of writing: 22:30.

Well the rain has stopped but the day turns out balmy and overcast.

What I’d hoped would be “my sanctuary in the sun” does not get off to a promising start. My mothers’ villa has all the prospects of being an idyllic hideaway but I’m more than a little disappointed to discover that the place is exactly as it was 6 years previously. I can forgive the projects that have been left half complete but the place is now in desperate need of a lick of paint and some basic maintenance. OK my mother and her husband, Toni, are not exactly youngsters but neither are they infirm! To make matters worse, the place looks like a gypsy site with old buckets, bricks and tiles, bits of scrap metal and rotten sections of timber all strewn around the garden. Given my mothers’ love of plants and gardening, I’m surprised at how the place has become such a cacophony of crap. A lot of the blame must lie with Toni – he’s as wide as he is tall, his only interests are eating and drinking and he’s possibly the laziest guy I’m ever met.

Wednesday 07 June 2006. Time of writing: 15:45.

The whole idea of coming to Sicily is fast becoming a nightmare. I’ve never had a high opinion of Toni but have managed to tolerate him in small doses, after 5 days in his company I’ve had just about as much as I can take. The Greeks have the word “malaka” which literally translates to wanker but can also mean a stupid person or someone who is a waste of space. Toni is a grade A, 1st class malaka. The things he says and does are just so infuriatingly annoying. I try to switch off whenever he’s around but it’s getting more and more difficult.

The original plan isn’t taking shape, I spend my days going for walks and playing pinball or freecell on the laptop, evenings are spent in my bedroom watching DVD’s. Barbara is never far from my thoughts but I’ve not heard anything from her for almost a month. I’ve not been able to check my email since leaving the UK so perhaps she eventually answered my last message and it’s waiting for me to get connected!!!

Friday 09 June 2006. Time of writing: 23:10.

I finally get an internet connection at my mothers’ house and promptly check my emails. Of the 486 messages (mostly spam) there wasn’t a reply from Barbara. I wasn’t expecting much, just a hello, I’m fine, how are you? But no – nothing. I’ll be honest and to say I’m disappointed would be putting it mildly.

I just don’t know what to do, I’m constantly battling my need for contact with Barbara with the fact that I must give her space and not hassle her. We were in love with each other once; does she want to break off all contact completely? Doesn’t she feel anything at all? I can’t believe it’s possible to shut off all feelings so completely unless I was mistaken about her love for me in the first place. All these different thoughts are driving me crazy….

Saturday 10 June 2006. Time of writing: 01:00 Sun.

After another sleepless night with my mind swimming with a whole bunch of different thoughts and emotions, I spend the day thinking if I should give Barbara a call. I feel so bloody pathetic, here is a woman that I love with every atom in my body and there is nothing that I wouldn’t do for her if she asked. A woman that shared my life for 6 years and means more to me than anything in the world, yet here I am deliberating all day about whether or not it would be OK to call her. Nothing makes sense to me anymore (not that it has for months). I retreat to my bedroom without making the call.

Sunday 11 June 2006. Time of writing: 23:15.

I decide to call and immediately after making the call, regret doing so. It was all politely casual, hello, how are you? How’s work? Blah blah, it was all very strained and I ended the call by asking if she minded me calling. Her reply was that it makes her feel uncomfortable! What in Gods name does that mean? Why do I do this to myself? I’m just fooling myself that she has any feelings left at all, there’s nothing but ice running through her veins.

I can’t take this anymore. That phone call has put out any spark of hope that I was desperately clinging to.

I spend the rest of the day thinking about the good times we shared, Budweiser’s in the “Blues Bar”, Sundays in Porto Rafti with Panagiotis, Calamari and Ouzo on the coast, late night beer at the Periptero outside our apartment in Athens, Counelli barbeques, the many hours of Bariba, the candle making and the parties on the terrace of our apartment on Sifnos.

Monday 03 July 2006.

It has been a while since I’ve felt like making an entry in this journal and to be honest there isn’t much I feel like sharing now. I returned to Swansea almost 2 weeks ago but not my sisters’ house, I have locked myself away and switched off my mobile phones. I just want to be alone with my gin, cigarettes and thoughts of Barbara that still constantly fill my head.

This whole story is coming to an end, in the middle of February my world started to collapse around me and I was powerless to stop it. It’s now 4½ months later and I have no illusions or expectations about what the future has in store for me.

People say that with time I will get over Barbara but why would I want to do that? She brought me a happiness that I never knew was possible and my love for her was unconditional. Her reason for wanting to break up just tells me that she probably never felt the same way about me and that just makes me feel stupid.

What I can’t live with and can’t get over is the destruction of dreams and the devastation of what I lived for, worked for and believed in.

Six years ago I took the decision to dramatically change my life; I abandon my family, friends and country for love. For those 6 years Barbara has been my best friend, my soul mate, my whole life. Without her I have nothing, I am nothing.

Her parting words were “I wish you health and happiness”. Thank you for those sentiments sweetheart, my parting words to you now are “I forgive you”



I have no intention of making any further entries in this journal so while I’m here I would like to apologise to my family, we’ve never been extremely close but we’ve always been there for each other when needed. Nadia & Laura, I love you both, thanks for trying to help but I was already a lost cause. Now be there for each other and more importantly, be there for mam.

Finally I would like to say sorry to my boys, Oliver and Alex. Guys, I know you’re too young to understand and anything I say now will be influenced by the lies your mother will tell you, but I never stopped loving you. Once your mother and I were divorced, I knew that I could never be the kind of father i wanted to be and what you deserve. I also know that my living in Greece was difficult for you to come to terms with.

Moving to Greece was my new start in life with a girl that I loved very much. I had asked your mother several times if you could come over for your holidays but for her own selfish reasons she refused. It was always my hope that one day, when you were older and able to make your own decisions; we could become closer and make up for lost time. Unfortunately that dream, like so many others, will not happen and I’m sorry I don’t have the strength to be there for you but please remember that I always loved you.